I’m Baaaaack…No I swear….

Oh hey guys….

So I know last time I said I was actually back….and I wasn’t….and my life took a totally different turn then the last time I was here….soooo here is an update…for realsies.

First off, I got a new job. Another one…but this time, it’s a grown up job. Not retail, not a hair salon. A legit job. I’m going to say exactly what it is but it’s with the state. I know right? Go me! I’ve been there at 7 months now and I can safely say it’s one of two jobs I have ever had that I actually love. It’s been a long time coming and I have had to work some pretty awful jobs but I finally found where I belong. I did decide not to go back to school. With this new job, I don’t really have a need to. Maybe later in my life I will go back to get my masters or whatever but I might need to chip a little more away from the mountain of student loan debt I have sitting on my shoulders before that happens.

That’s pretty much it. Just living it up in Seattle still. Adjusting to being 26 and adulting….which is kind of scary. Got myself a fancy new laptop for Christmas (thanks Mom!!) so there will definitely be more regular posts. With the new year just around the corner I am going to make a real effort to make this blog a regular thing. I definitely want to finish my boyfriend stories and of course my usual rantings. Hope you guys had a wonderful Holiday and are making some bullshit revolutions for the New Year….you know you’re not going to go to the gym every day….pipe the fuck down.

Breaking News Update!!

Actually more like a “Me” update. I was going through old posts and I realized that I should give those new people an update on who I am because 2 years can really change a person.

* I am now 25 years old. Lord have mercy.

* I now have over 30 tattoos including my hand and fingers. I’m hardcore now right?

* I still live in Seattle. Probably will never leave.

* I still rock my Pin Up style and model from time to time.

* I am about to go back to school and add to my pile of degrees. Go me!

* My mom retired and is loving every minute of it. She still does her sports thing for my old high school so I am sure more teenage encounters will ensue when I help her.

* My life is still crazy and I love it.

 

There’s your update! Hope it was informative and you feel up to date 🙂

 

 

It’s been a minute….I know I suck.

Woah! Where the hell have I been!? It’s been a minute. I know, I suck. Lot’s has happened guys. Never fear! I am back and I promise I will never leave you again. Now lets have makeup sex 😉

 

Kidding! I’ve been busy as hell my friends. New job, going back to school in September (I know, I know) and moving. Jesus, daddy and the spook it has been a wild ride! Got a new job as a front desk manager of a funky little salon in Fremont. I kinda love it. It will be good to have while I am back in school. Yes, I am going back to school. Yes, I have thought this through and no, I am not going to change my mind. I realized that I wasn’t happy with the way things were going in my life and I knew this was a way to change that. I am going to get my certificate in chemical dependency counseling and eventually work with teenagers who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I honestly can’t wait. It’s something I am incredibly passionate about and I know I will be great at.

 

What can you expect from me here in foreseeable future? Finishing up the boyfriend saga. Had a major turn for one of those here a while ago so that should make for an interesting read. I have a perfect title for it too. Probably a few more rant blogs (cause we all know how good I am at those), maybe a few sexy sex blogs. I’m sure my twisted brain will figure something out.

Sexy sex….is sexy….unless you suck at it.

  Woah! Guys…it’s been a minute. Craziness I tell you!!

  So I thought I would get back into the blogging spirit with a fun little post about sex. That’s right, we are getting dirty tonight. 

  I’m 24. I started having sex when I was 18. That’s a solid 6 years of practice. Not to mention, a lot of dudes. Okay so I like sex. Fuck you, I pay my taxes! In that time, I have had some pretty interesting things happen to me. You always hear guys complaining about girls not being easy to please and how difficult it is to get them to cum. Hey jackasses…ever thought about asking? Women really aren’t all that complicated sexually. Men are just whiners. All of the men I have slept with that have been just down right spectacular have had one thing in common (besides cocks that could rule countries), they all asked me what I like. How I like to be touched. How I am feeling about what they are doing. They took cues from my body language, my noises. Was I moving into their touch or away? Was I closing my legs or opening them wider? These are things that real men do when dealing with lovers. News flash guys: IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! I know, you’re shocked. 

  In the same respect, I have heard from an abundance of men that girls do the same thing. They would just rather half ass a blow job so they can have an excuse to guilt their man into a little rug munching. NO! NO NO NO NO NO!!! I hate chicks like you. You give hard working, blow job loving girls like me a bad name and I will not stand for it any longer. You want a man to love you forever. Give him a long, involved, sexy, slow blow job. No need to thank me, although I do appreciate gift cards. 

  In closing ladies and gentlemen I can only leave you with some sound advice. Men, listen. That’s all you have to do, I promise the rave reviews and orgasms will follow. Ladies: Don’t be selfish. Oh and swallow. Spitting is rude. 

  

Chester: The Mistake

  I am continuing with my boyfriend saga. This one is a doozy. You will probably want to find him and murder him when this is all said and done. Don’t worry, it’s a natrual reaction. I have changed his name for privacy reasons. Even thought I should give you his full name, address and drivers liscence number.

  I met Chester about 6 months after Devon and I broke up. Guess what, I met him online too. See a pattern? He was gorgeous. Tall, shaggy brown hair and some of the most beautiful hazel eyes I had ever seen in my life. All my friends said he was Twilight pretty….even though I hate those books and movies. With a passion. He was fun, fairly intelligent and showed interest in me which for some reason I craved because my break up with Devon had left me pretty damaged in the self esteem department. The more time I spent with him. The more I started to realize, this boy was trouble. First clue, he cheated on me. Several times. One incident, he made out with 6 girls at a party. Yet, I forgave him. Another incident, with a little troll that gave a random dude head for some beer and was sex slave of some 40 year old couple. did I mention she is now his girlfriend. Such a winner.

  I stayed. Stupid,I know. I wanted to believe he was sorry. I wanted to believe everything he said. That’s when the drinking started. That was also when the trouble earned a capital “T”. When he drank. He was volitile. He was mean. Called me names. Told me no one else would ever want me and he was the best I would ever do. At the time, I took it. Why? Becasue I loved him. I walked on egg shells every day. Always wondering if the next thing I said would set him off. I was careful never to talk about Devon. Even though he was the only guy I had ever slept with, Arthur constantly called me a slut. Still, I stayed. Constantly making excuses for him. To my family, to his family, to my friends. To everyone. Did I mention he never had a job in the year we dated? Yeah.

  One night, everything came to a head. He was blacked out drunk. Tried to drive my car. I wouldn’t let him. After him verbally berating me all the way to 7-11, he got out of the car, threw something at me and I simply said “what?”. What happened next changed me as a person for the rest of my life. He punched me in the side of the head, kneed me in the head, punched me in the stomach and ran away. All the while I was screaming for him to stop. My first instinct was to get away. As fast as I could, so I got in my car and drove back to the apartment we shared. I called my mom and all I could do was scream “He hit me” as I sat on my living room floor. I could hear my mom trying to calm me down but I could also hear the anger in her voice as my dad asked what was going on. The police showed up at my house along with Chester’s mother (or the enabler as I like to call her) and his step dad. After that night there were trials, protection orders and he was slapped with  domestic voilence charge.

  I went to live with my parents for a while. I had a lot of time to think about what happend. Can you believe it, after the protection order was lifted, I still went back to him. Nothing had changed. He was still drinking, calling me names and being horrible. I wanted to believe that he would change. That something had clicked in his head. It wasn’t until Thanksgiving that year when he tried to make me choose between my family and him, that he would never change. So I left him. I grabbed my cat, clothes, and movies, loaded my car and never looked back.

  It took about a year of therapy before I finally accepted what happened to me. I am a victim of domestic violence. Some good did come out of this situation. I am a stronger person because of it. No one should ever have to go through what I did. I was lucky. I got out before things escalted. He was my lesson learned. The hard way.

IM FREEEEEEEE!!!!

  With such a dramatic title you would think that I would have just been freed from some sort of loony bin. Nope, but pretty darn close! 

  I finally quit my job that the horrible retail establishment I wrote about in a previous post. I have to say, I have never felt better. Why? Well, first off, I have a fantastic new job that is NOT, I repeat NOT in the retail industry! WOOOOO!! Secondly, I don’t have to deal with my cunt of a manager ever again. Lastly, I am free of all the cattiness and utter bullshit that girls in retail pull. I swear, every single one of the girls I worked among, with the exception of one or two, were lying, backstabbing, two faced little bitches with nothing better to do than run their mouths and then go hide in a corner when confronted by our tyrannical manager. The only person that ever had my back was my assistant manager and she is trying to get out of there as fast as she can get another job.

  The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was more like a nail that was shoved into the camel’s back and the camel kicked that fucker with the nail really damn hard. My manager essentially told me that I needed to respect her even though she doesn’t show any of her employees any kind of respect whatsoever. I come from a family where I was raised with the knowledge that respect is earned, not deserved. So far, she hadn’t given me an ounce of it so I wasn’t about to show her any. She then proceeded to shove a disciplinary action paper in my face full of lies and bullshit and told me I needed to sign it or quit. A little tid bit about myself, I will NEVER EVER, in a thousand years submit to someone’s tyranny. I will NOT be forced to my knees and made to sign something admitting guilt on something I never did or said. So, I took the paper from her, looked her in the eyes, ripped it to shreds and threw it in her face with a resounding “Fuck you, I quit”. I grabbed my stuff, and walked out with my middle finger raised high. 

  Now, here I am. In a new job I love. The prospect of a fun second job and summer right around the corner. I gotta say, probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. Have fun working retail for the rest of your lives girls. Enjoy your 10.50 an hour. 

I don’t wanna grow up!

  It is a beautiful day here in Seattle….which is always surprising to me. Today is also the day one of my best friends gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I have known her since I was 4 and she has always been like an older sister to me. I cannot believe that she is now a mom. So many people I known and grew up with are starting to do all these grown up things. Getting married, having babies, buying houses. At first I feel like this is all waaaaay too soon. I mean, we are still kids! There is no way we are old enough to have children of our own. Then I stop and realize, I will be 24 in almost a month. I will technically be in my mid twenties. Isn’t this about the time that people start to settle down? I always said I wanted to get married around 25…..but now that seems like it’s right around the corner. One part of me is pulling to do all these adult things. Get married, have babies, save for retirement and all that jazz. The other part of me is pulling to still be a wild and crazy kid. Stay out late, date a bunch of guys, run around and not care where I end up. At this age I feel like I am a sophomore in high school (or college) all over again. Being in my 20’s isn’t new and exciting anymore but I am also not quite ready to move on to something new either. It’s a weird, awkward middle ground. 

  My mom has always reminded me to savor the time I have being young because it will be gone before I know it. I am truly so excited for my friend and her fiance and I can’t wait to meet this adorable little girl. I know, I will be waiting a couple years to have one of my own. So in the mean time, I will borrow theirs to get my baby holding fix, 

” You’re such a bitch”….you have no idea

   “You’re a bitch.” If I had a dollar for every time this statement has been said to me in my life….I would have some major mula kiddies. Would it surprise you to know that the gender I hear this from most are females? No, of course it wouldn’t. I have never really gotten along with the general female population. Why? They are all the same. They lie, they talk behind your back, they generally just cannot be trusted. Sneaky little girls. Me on the other hand, I will tell you straight to your face that I don’t like you. I will not sugar coat my words to make you feel better. If you’re pissing me off, you’re gonna know about it. The end. All of my girlfriends are just like me. We are vulgar, we swear, we talk about dirty things, we don’t care if you don’t like us. We are who we are. 

  I worked security at a bar the summer after I turned 21. I started out as a shot girl. Going around in denim shorts and a cut up Zeppelin t-shirt serving jello shots to a bunch of drunk horny dudes. It wasn’t until one night when one particular unlucky fellow tried to stick his hand down my shorts and I put him in an arm bar on the nearest table, that the management thought I could serve better as security. It was the perfect plan if you think about it. All I had to do was come up to those disorderly drunken dudes, bat my eyes and tell them to come outside with me. they almost always went willingly. If they didn’t? Well we had a guy by the name of Big Tony that took care of them. 

  The trouble I always ran into was ejecting the drunk girls from the bar. Since the guys on the staff were always worried about a drunken girl coming back and saying that they handled her too roughly or they hit her boob with their hand, I was generally left to deal with the drunken ladies by myself. Can you guess their favorite thing to call me as I calmly but firmly walked them to the door? You guess it! “Bitch!” 

   The point of this blog? Yes, I am a bitch. I’m proud of that. I am proud that I am brutally honest and I don’t talk behind people backs. So, all my bitch sisters, give yourself a pat on the back, pour yourself a drink and bitch on. 

Devon: The 1st Love

  I was 18. Freshly moved onto Capitol Hill to start my college career. I was living with a friend in a 2 bedroom apartment just a block off Broadway in the funky Seattle neighborhood. I had the world at my feet and I was ready to make it my bitch. I had always been a little chubby. All through middle school and high school I was teased for my weight. That summer before college had been kind to me and I had  lost a considerable amount of weight. Having always been the chubby girl I was not aware of my new found attractive look. At the advice of a few of my friends I made a profile for a dating site in hopes to maybe meet some new people and possibly meet a boy. I had never had a boyfriend before. There were plenty of guys in high school that I had crushes on but mostly they were all just my friends. I talked to a few guys in the site. None of them really interested beyond friendship. One day, I received a message from a boy. Looking at his picture I felt my heart skip a beat. He had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. They were ice blue. Like, cornflower blue. We exchanged messages back and forth for a while. The usual witty banter and questions about each other. When he finally asked me to meet  I was ecstatic. We met September 17th in Cal Anderson Park. I remember walking up to him and being surprised at how tall he was. His hair was almost a white blonde and he had a barbed wire tattoo around him forearm. The moment he wrapped his arms around me in a hello hug, I was hooked. 

  We went to dinner and bonded over our love of musicals and rock music. We walked the streets of Capitol Hill until the sun slipped below the Seattle skyline. Sitting in Cal Anderson park, we had our first kiss. I remember my heart beating so fast I could barely breathe. We loved each other with a fierce passion. He took my virginity. He gave me my first flowers. He showed me how awesome being in love could be. 

  Like most first relationships do, this one ended. I was young. I was deeply in love. He was older (22) and he was scared of how in love he was with me. He thought I was trying to make him do things that he didn’t want to do and so, he broke my heart. I remember after he left my empty apartment, sinking down to the floor and crying hysterically. It was like I could feel my heart physically breaking in two. I had never experienced anything like this before. I wanted to scream, I wanted to break things, I wanted to tear my hair out. I called my mom crying so hard I could barely speak. He came over that night and took me to a hotel and just held me the entire time. This was the first time my mom had ever had to deal with my heartbreak, It certainly would not be the last. 

  Devon was my first love. He was the one that opened the door to dating for me. For this, I will be eternally grateful to him. He taught me a lot about what I like. What I looked for in a guy. I’ve never forgotten him and 6 years later he still has a special place in my heart….but we will get to that later. 

Dating Julie: A Blog Series. Coming soon to a computer screen near you.

I was sitting here thinking that when I say “I have lived a thousand years when it comes to relationships” all might be wondering exactly what I mean. Is this just a nice way of saying I’m a slut? No. Although I am sure some of my friends would beg to differ. It means in the short 23 years I have been alive, I have dated a pretty wide variety of men. Each of them has taught me a valuable lesson about my life and made me into the woman I am today.

That brought me to the conclusion that I should write a 6 part blog series explaining each of these men and the craziness that came with dating each of them. Get ready to laugh, cry, yell at your computer screen and empathize with my insane dating career.